Beginnings

Beginnings are always difficult.

Should I do this?
Should I go there?
What if this happens?
What do I do if that happens?
Will I succeed?

That last one is always the one that trips me up. Not to say that I have everything else under control and I know how to handle everything that comes my way, but there are so many things that go along with success that it makes the simple act of succeeding a scary proposition all it's own. With success comes responsibility, and with responsibility come expectations. Expectations go up, and they become just that much harder to meet.

I fully understand that none of it is my doing, I give all glory to God where it belongs, but the eyes of the world are on me, not God. I can point to Him all I want but, in the end, the expectations have to be met by me. God moves in me, but I can't just sit back and watch Him work. There are things that I must do in order for His will in my life to be accomplished. Elijah had to take on the 450 prophets of ba'al, Gideon had to whittle away the army until he had the number that God wanted, then he had to engage in the fight.

I understand that God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called -- but when you are facing the 450 prophets, or the army of thousands standing alongside 300 of your own men, the expectations seem insurmountable.

I know that God will do amazing things with this music as long as I remain in Him, but the expectations that I am facing seem to be greater than my ability.

Part of the problem is my own head. Not a single person that I have talked to has said anything negative about my music. Not one. In fact, I have heard plenty of good things from quite a few people. My issue is that I compare myself to what I hear from other professional musicians. When I do that, there is no chance that I can compete.

There are some things that I will simply have to come to grips with. I am not a professional musician by any means yet. There are still a lot of things that I need to learn. I still have dues to pay. However, I also need to remember that life isn't over yet. I need to just focus on what I can do to stay rooted and grounded in Christ, and everything else will sort itself out; as long as I remain in him.